Walking Down Camera Roll Memory Lane
For the past week, I’ve spent a fair amount of time scrolling, scrolling, and re-scrolling through the camera roll on my phone. Thousands of photos live there serving as memory touchstones.
Yesterday while I was going through the pictures, a smile swept across my face as I recalled happy moments from far-flung places, and I enjoyed my daughter’s face – mugging for the camera. But, following that memory-filled excursion, it struck me that for the most part, I haven’t ever given my experiences their full due and proper.
On to the next thing!
On to the next thing! That’s how I’ve lived my life for decades. You might even say I was something of a shark – always moving; a purpose-built apex predator. My only nemesis was drowning from lack of forward movement.
I went on like that for years – always moving, always consuming.
Until I cracked.
Recovery and Discovery
For the last two years, I have been recovering from what we’ll call a ‘psychiatric event,’ only there were no balloons, no confetti. (0 stars, do not recommend.)
I am absolutely recovering but it’s been hard. And scary. I’m still struggling with getting to know the person that I am now. This version of me is a bit different than the person that I used to be. At least the me that I remember.
At times I miss how I was able to navigate through the world. Specifically, being able to compartmentalize everything and cram it down into tidy boxes and quickly close the lids. I’m not successful at doing that anymore. Now, my demons just pull up a chair, shake loose a ciggy from their pack o’ smokes, light up and say, ‘So! What are we thinkin’ about tonight?’
There are so many photos on my phone that pull me back to a time in my life when I was in shark-mode. And while I find myself wishing that I knew how to tap into that way of (not) thinking again, the reality is that I make no real effort to do so.
Being closed off and ignoring my feelings was easier. But it also put me where I am now. There must be a middle ground. Perhaps that’s my next big trip.
3 Replies to “Walking Down Camera Roll Memory Lane”
Awesome pictures! On to the next thing-almost everyone lives like that except for monks and the few who realize that the important thing is here and now. Thanks for another beautiful piece of you.
Fuzzy (if that’s a name?)
Take a deep breath. Relax. We’re all under strain now with the COVID pandemic and being restricted from being social. Sometimes we just need to take a breath and spend time with ourselves. The entire country’s under tremendous social and mental strain right now. It’s a great time to pull back a bit, and re-center on yourself. Remember you don’t HAVE to keep this blog up at all times. When it becomes a chore rather than a release, it’s time to let it go and do something else. The world still goes on even when we stop doing whatever it is we think is so important. And knowing that can free us from self-imposed obligations. And we forget how regional our crisis is. Even though the pandemic is global, the degree of disease and stress on us all is actually very local. Many countries are much closer to being back to normal than we are. Try a trip to France or Germany or Switzerland. You’ll be able to experience people in an unrestricted way again. It’s good for your sould.
All too often when we “compartmentalize” our day into nice, tidy boxes and do this for years. The boxes cannot contain anything further and begin to explode. A horrific haunting from each and every one of them. Yet, it is a necessary cleansing in order to move forward once again. You. Can. Do. It.