This is My Secret Support System

This is My Secret Support System

I feel sad saying it, but over the last 6+ months there have innumerable dark moments. Many times over, I’ve asked myself what the point of going on is if it is just to exist in a state of utter despair and torment. Knowing that everyone around me would be relieved to have this emotional tornado removed from their lives. Logic and pep talks have little success in helping alleviate those feelings because I can counter anything kind that anyone says by knowing that they are only being nice because they feel like they should, not because I really matter.

The agony of walking that tightrope of just wanting to pull the plug and still having a little voice inside that pushes you forward in spite of your penchant for self destruction is really indescribable to someone who (thankfully) has never been there.  When you try to explain it, it makes no sense to them. Or, the feeble attempts you make to explain what’s happening to you just don’t encapsulate what it’s really like inside. Or, some people think you “look fine” so there really isn’t anything wrong, or that you’re faking it, or that “you have everything, what could you be sad about?” They simply cannot understand. That’s where I’ve been.

But I’m not there now.

Since the end of the summer, in addition to the pills I stuff in my face each morning and evening, the weekly therapy sessions, monthly trips to the psychiatrist who makes me feel like I’m being ushered through on a conveyor belt, I’ve had a secret support group. In fact, they don’t even know they’ve been doing it. And I gotta tell ya, I think their effortless form of therapy has helped me tremendously.

I’ve known a few of these fellas for years with varying degrees of familiarity. Towards the end of the summer I kind of shoehorned my way in to their friend group. No one asked me to stop coming around, so I haven’t. For the most part I don’t really talk to them about my problems and they don’t ask. Which is nice because I get to exist beyond my self pity and misery. They take care of me by just being and not helping.

It’s been fascinating to get to know each one of them beyond the superficial level. When you casually see someone around town, you have no idea how deep their still waters run. As you learn to trust each other another layer of the onion peels away exposing something unexpected.

It can be hard to make friends as an adult. These boys have been saving me and they have no idea. I’m forever grateful.

10 Replies to “This is My Secret Support System”

  1. I just came from the doctors office (not a shrink) and these two people were talking about loving life, how great everything is, etc, etc, etc and I thought my head was going to explode. I prayed that they wouldn’t include me in their conversation and they didn’t. You are not alone.

  2. So glad you found some solace from your thoughts.

    I posted a while ago about the fictions in our heads. What I meant by that is that they are completely real to us but they are just thoughts.

    I’ve been waking, thankfully rarely, with anxiety attacks. The only thing that provides relief is to watch a movie or read a book. I have to give my brain something else to chew on. Finding a group to be “normal” with is a great way to give your brain a break.

    When I wish you well and say I want you to stay around and do your thing, it’s for selfish reasons. You seem nice but reading about your trips and process gives me something else to think about and makes my life better.

    Don’t make me look for another blog woman!

    Thank you,

    Todd

  3. Having friends in real life makes a difference. Their mere presence elevates our mood and inspires us. A huge fallacy of the modern age is that online acquaintanceships are somehow equivalent to that. They aren’t. The same way that clicking on someone’s Facebook announcement of a death in the family is not the same as expressing condolences in person.

    I like something you say: I also have many friendships that exist because I seek them and the other person hasn’t told me to fuck off. If a friendship is good for us, we should pursue it.

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