My relationship with vanity is strange. Its pressure is so overwhelming at times that the idea of people looking at me in a personal setting will absolutely stop me from doing something. Something like maybe – meeting up with people who I talk with on social media. Knowing that they would be looking at me in close proximity makes me back away from the idea more often than not. Not always, but a lot.
A few months ago, I had a panic attack at work. I paced around my office clawing at hives and had difficulty breathing among other symptoms. When it was over I felt completely exhausted like I’d just run a half-marathon. This was all simply because I had to have a headshot taken for a project. That seems silly now and it was embarrassing then but that’s what happened. Just one of my many wonderful quirks. Don’t I sound charming?
Wearing a helmet and riding gear insulates me from those vulnerable feelings. I’m there, but you can’t see all of me. That makes me feel better.
I don’t know when I got so weird. It would probably serve me better to not share these shortcomings with you. They make me sound crazy, I know. But maybe someone else out there needs to know they aren’t alone in their crackpot-ery. High-five, nutjobs!