Tag: selfie

Palm Springs Window Reflections

Palm Springs Window Reflections

Having my picture taken isn’t fun. I hate the way I look.

Sometimes I go through the process of taking selfies to try to work through these feelings. At this point, it seems like a futile effort to come to terms with the aging person that I am.

When I look at the person in the pictures it’s never the person I feel like on the inside. Geeeeezus, who the fuck is this old bag with the tired eyes?!

What comes next is an exercise in tallying up all of the things that are “wrong” with me and then spiraling into a loop of self-loathing. Is this normal? Sometimes I feel like it might be. I mean, who isn’t plagued by some level of feeling like if they just had <insert thing here> then they’d feel a million-bajillion times better? Is it all just a matter of degrees?

Taking pics in my riding gear or with my helmet on, or even wearing my glasses feels much easier. There is a sense of safety in being covered in some way. You see me, but you don’t. I prefer that.

Who would’ve ever though just showing yourself to the world as you are, would be such an act of vulnerability? 🤷‍♀️Especially considering you walk around all day doing just that.

Anyway, this was me, in my safety suit, reflected in the SHAG store window in Palm Springs.

Stay weird, friends.

Helmet on For Safety Selfies

Helmet on For Safety Selfies

My relationship with vanity is strange. Its pressure is so overwhelming at times that the idea of people looking at me in a personal setting will absolutely stop me from doing something. Something like maybe – meeting up with people who I talk with on social media. Knowing that they would be looking at me in close proximity makes me back away from the idea more often than not. Not always, but a lot.

A few months ago, I had a panic attack at work. I paced around my office clawing at hives and had difficulty breathing among other symptoms. When it was over I felt completely exhausted like I’d just run a half-marathon. This was all simply because I had to have a headshot taken for a project. That seems silly now and it was embarrassing then but that’s what happened. Just one of my many wonderful quirks. Don’t I sound charming?

Wearing a helmet and riding gear insulates me from those vulnerable feelings. I’m there, but you can’t see all of me. That makes me feel better.

I don’t know when I got so weird. It would probably serve me better to not share these shortcomings with you. They make me sound crazy, I know. But maybe someone else out there needs to know they aren’t alone in their crackpot-ery. High-five, nutjobs! 

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