Before the time gets away from me, I figured I oughta check in to see how you’re doing, tell you how I’m doing, and wish you a very merry and happy everything.
I’ve been writing this post in fits and starts for the better part of a week. Most of the writing has been done in my head while driving my car, which I guess
Unfortunately, the car-ride, chuckle-worthy thoughts haven’t made it here today. Maybe they’re seeds for a bigger idea that needs to be punched up later. It can require divine intervention to be able to piece together a post that incorporates rogue pubic hairs on a toilet seat along with the juice of unknown origin that spills out of a garbage truck when it goes around a corner. These things take time to percolate.
Over the past couple of weeks, I haven’t done any riding save for our annual Santa Ride. Riding around dressed like the big man is always fun. Seeing the laughter and excitement on people’s faces as you roll up is a beautiful feeling. Highly recommend it!
2018 Can Suck A Bag Of Dicks
Hands down, 2018 has been the worst year of my life. I wish that I could sufficiently express the amount of mental pain I was in when I was at my worst. Many times I was faced with knowing that I would never feel better again; that the rest of my life would be spent tormented by my own brain producing negative thoughts at eleventy billion miles an hour. And then coming to the conclusion that I would not survive if that was all that was in store for me. It was fucking hell.
“The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.”― Ernest Hemingway
But, There Was Actually Some Good Stuff, Too
On the upside, these past two weeks or so, I’ve started to feel significantly different. On Monday while driving to work, I actually noted to myself that I felt happy. Not happy like my car was suddenly filled with confetti and balloons or anything but, I felt good. It had been so long since that happened, it was startling. That I’m okay feeling stayed with me all day, which was a major milestone.
Generally speaking, my meds seem to keep me feeling sort of flat. I can’t seem to get excited, laugh hysterically, be passionate or be super-psyched about anything. My days are mostly… neutral? That’s rather strange. I’ve always been someone prone to laughing fits and to being rather silly. And for the pièce de résistance? I’ve developed a tremor in my right hand, which is just wonderful.
All things considered though, I’ll take the tremor, insomnia and the neutral days over the hell that I was in. Plus, I don’t have to wash as many spoons these days because I can stir my coffee just by holding the cup.
Though I’ve spent a large amount of time going on about how shitty things have been, there has been sweetness, too. The most eyeopening has been the outpouring of love and support from everyone.
People who don’t need to care, do and have gone out of their way to say so. The cards, emails, check-in texts, messages – all of it has been overwhelming. I’m grateful and humbled.
I’ve been called a lunatic and a maniac many times over the last 6 months. I had it comin’, so I can’t be surprised. And though it really shouldn’t matter what people say, those names always cut me deeply. It’s hard enough to carry the burden of the war being waged within yourself but to know other people see you as defective is rough.
So, if me talking about what’s happened to me can be a benefit to someone else, then I’m happy to have shared parts of my story. Several people have opened themselves up to me about their own struggles with mental health. People I never would have imagined suffering. That just goes to show you that there is a culture of silence on the matter. There needs to be less stigma and more understanding.
And for my two-wheeled brothers? What an unexpected gift you’ve been. All those tacos, group chats, the talks, the gentleness, the support and propping me up without judgment and even putting up with my ugly cry face. I’d be lost without you.
What’s In Store for 2019?
As far as what I’ll be up to in the new year, I really don’t know. I’m not gonna pressure myself to be or do anything. Instead, I’m going to try to keep myself open to trying some new things as opportunities arise.
My single resolution is to take care of my frickin’ eyebrows. What do you think? Shave them all off and start over? That’s always an… interesting look. Maybe I’ll just start having them tidied and waxed again. I’m setting the bar low. It’s only up from here, dear friends.
Love the people in your life. Nothing else matters.