This Christmas season, I have been particularly Grinchy. Not that I’m sour or angry or anything. I guess you might say indifferent is more fitting. So much of the holiday hustle and bustle of what is going on around me seems stupid and pointless. All this rushing around and buying useless shit… I just can’t.
There is much for me to be grateful for. My family is well taken care of and not only doesn’t need anything, but there really isn’t even a frivolous thing that any of us want for.
Thinking back to my childhood (when I wanted everything) it blows my mind that I have a teenager who really doesn’t want anything. Perhaps when the world is at your fingertips – it’s easy to be selective versus indiscriminately grabbing at anything you can get your hands on to plug the inadequacy hole.
Here where I live, people are jamming the roadways and stores, jockeying for parking spaces and snatching waffle irons from each other’s hands. Things don’t feel very peace on earth and goodwill toward men-ish. No, it’s nasty news and crappy exchanges in the real world and on social media. Buy more, feel less and fuck the other guy.
When I Christmas-tipped my garbage man this morning, I felt good about it. I happily scrawled a greeting and put a red bow on the envelope I left for him. It’s not like we’re tossing industrial trash or anything, but trashcans with bags of post-walk dog poo each day deserve a little something.
Later in the afternoon when I came home to find my garbage can and it’s lid flung into different parts of the front yard, I was torn by wondering if my envelope was too light or he’s just a dick. Apparently, my goodwill wasn’t good enough.
I think this is when I’m supposed to be the change I want to see in the world, right? But, I guess I’m not. I’m just another unenlightened, judgmental asshole and I feel tired. Why can’t I bother to find the spirit of the season within myself? It’s doubly disappointing because I have an expectation that everything should feel magical this time of year. Instead, Christmas feels like something to survive versus something to enjoy.
Yesterday was the winter solstice – the day we started moving back towards the light. Maybe I will, too. I’m off from work until the new year. Maybe this time off will allow me to recenter and find my way back to being a nice human being.