Seeing Signs: Flourish. Whatever the Conditions

Seeing Signs: Flourish. Whatever the Conditions

“Flourish. Whatever the conditions.”

File Under: Signs I needed to see.

After two years of being drugged into an unrecognizable version of myself on antidepressant, anti-anxiety and sleep medications, I’ve been med-free for a little over a month now. The truth is, I couldn’t stand being a ghost anymore.

In the beginning, I wouldn’t have survived without the drugs. But, much to my disappointment, they aren’t magic.

Right now, it feels like I don’t know myself anymore. I went from being hypersensitive to a numbed out shell. So I am, trying to relearn how to feel things while not being completely devastated by those feelings.

Unwisely, I skipped a dosage step-down and just went cold turkey. As a result, I had vertigo for a couple weeks which was miserable. I felt like I had the flu and on top of that, feeling things was… different.

There were moments when the withdrawal symptoms were really discouraging. The vertigo in particular was maddening. And there was also a feeling like a concussive noise like wind buffeting inside my head for a split second. This happened especially when I was tired. I hated being on the drugs, and I hated coming off the drugs.

I find it disturbing how much those pills fucked with my brain. And in hindsight, I can’t tell if they made certain behaviors worse or not. They really messed with my sleep, that I am certain of. I’ve been tired for two years. It makes me sad when I see photos of myself now, because I look it.

Since stopping the meds, I’ve been able to sleep without drugging myself for the first time in two years. If you’ve ever been on the hamster wheel of insomnia/sleep drugs, you know what a sweet relief this is.

Right now, in short – EVERYTHING HURTS. Every word, every look, every text, everything unsaid. I feel very “fuck everything, what’s the point?”

But,.. the little voice that keeps my feet moving forward is still in there somewhere prodding me along. So here I am. It hurts, but it isn’t unbearable. I’ve made it through worse.

One step forward…

It’s January 28, 2020. I’m writing this post on my phone while on a road trip in California. I’ve decided to forgo bringing my MacBook along on the last few rambles. It works out much better convenience-wise. But you also don’t get a great view of what you’re writing.

You’ll have to allow me a little leeway on polish and formatting, okay? Okay.

6 Replies to “Seeing Signs: Flourish. Whatever the Conditions”

  1. Be happy. Love yourself, love who you are, be confident in who you are. Focus on what you want in your life and make that your goal, make that your daily focus. Focus on what you want… NOT what you don’t want. Only on what you want.
    Just know that we are all here for you and we miss you.

  2. I must have missed one helluva chapter in your life. To say, “I’m so sorry” would be an understatement. One day at a time, one moment at a time. Keep your face to the sun and know you are cared for.

  3. Fuzzy! So good to hear from you! Thanks for surfacing.

    And thanks also for the report on your condition. As usual, it’s full of candor and humor. Really — you’re funny even when you aren’t trying to be because your basic personality exudes intelligence fused with wit.

    Of course we’re sorry to hear the bad news, but it’s tempered with improving conditions. And the very sight of your wit tells us you’re back in the game. We worry when you’re absent.

    Life is hard. Drugs are not a cure. There are ups and downs. All I can say is, when we look back, we want to say, “I lived.” I hope the new chapter you’re entering provides you with sufficient joy and stimulation to make good memories. And, remember, your friends are always here, eager to connect with you. Anytime you want to ride or chat over coffee or critique my silly efforts to create female outfits, holler.

  4. If the doctors and shrinks ever spent a couple of years on medication and experienced the side effects and withdrawals they would never write another prescription. Take care

  5. Sounds like you’ve broken through again FG, that’s the right path. If you’ve found that strength to stand up again, you’re on the way back I hope.
    Good luck fellow rider

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