“Flourish. Whatever the conditions.”
File Under: Signs I needed to see.
After two years of being drugged into an unrecognizable version of myself on antidepressant, anti-anxiety and sleep medications, I’ve been med-free for a little over a month now. The truth is, I couldn’t stand being a ghost anymore.
In the beginning, I wouldn’t have survived without the drugs. But, much to my disappointment, they aren’t magic.
Right now, it feels like I don’t know myself anymore. I went from being hypersensitive to a numbed out shell. So I am, trying to relearn how to feel things while not being completely devastated by those feelings.
Unwisely, I skipped a dosage step-down and just went cold turkey. As a result, I had vertigo for a couple weeks which was miserable. I felt like I had the flu and on top of that, feeling things was… different.
There were moments when the withdrawal symptoms were really discouraging. The vertigo in particular was maddening. And there was also a feeling like a concussive noise like wind buffeting inside my head for a split second. This happened especially when I was tired. I hated being on the drugs, and I hated coming off the drugs.
I find it disturbing how much those pills fucked with my brain. And in hindsight, I can’t tell if they made certain behaviors worse or not. They really messed with my sleep, that I am certain of. I’ve been tired for two years. It makes me sad when I see photos of myself now, because I look it.
Since stopping the meds, I’ve been able to sleep without drugging myself for the first time in two years. If you’ve ever been on the hamster wheel of insomnia/sleep drugs, you know what a sweet relief this is.
Right now, in short – EVERYTHING HURTS. Every word, every look, every text, everything unsaid. I feel very “fuck everything, what’s the point?”
But,.. the little voice that keeps my feet moving forward is still in there somewhere prodding me along. So here I am. It hurts, but it isn’t unbearable. I’ve made it through worse.
One step forward…
It’s January 28, 2020. I’m writing this post on my phone while on a road trip in California. I’ve decided to forgo bringing my MacBook along on the last few rambles. It works out much better convenience-wise. But you also don’t get a great view of what you’re writing.
You’ll have to allow me a little leeway on polish and formatting, okay? Okay.