Peace Out, 2018. I Won’t Miss You. Like, At All.

Peace Out, 2018. I Won’t Miss You. Like, At All.

peace and love, peace and LOVE

Hello, Everybody!

Before the time gets away from me, I figured I oughta check in to see how you’re doing, tell you how I’m doing, and wish you a very merry and happy everything.

I’ve been writing this post in fits and starts for the better part of a week. Most of the writing has been done in my head while driving my car, which I guess isn’t really writing, is it?

Unfortunately, the car-ride, chuckle-worthy thoughts haven’t made it here today. Maybe they’re seeds for a bigger idea that needs to be punched up later. It can require divine intervention to be able to piece together a post that incorporates rogue pubic hairs on a toilet seat along with the juice of unknown origin that spills out of a garbage truck when it goes around a corner. These things take time to percolate.

Over the past couple of weeks, I haven’t done any riding save for our annual Santa Ride. Riding around dressed like the big man is always fun. Seeing the laughter and excitement on people’s faces as you roll up is a beautiful feeling. Highly recommend it!

2018 Can Suck A Bag Of Dicks

Hands down, 2018 has been the worst year of my life. I wish that I could sufficiently express the amount of mental pain I was in when I was at my worst. Many times I was faced with knowing that I would never feel better again; that the rest of my life would be spent tormented by my own brain producing negative thoughts at eleventy billion miles an hour. And then coming to the conclusion that I would not survive if that was all that was in store for me. It was fucking hell.

“The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.” 

― Ernest Hemingway

But, There Was Actually Some Good Stuff, Too

On the upside, these past two weeks or so, I’ve started to feel significantly different. On Monday while driving to work, I actually noted to myself that I felt happy. Not happy like my car was suddenly filled with confetti and balloons or anything but, I felt good. It had been so long since that happened, it was startling. That I’m okay feeling stayed with me all day, which was a major milestone.

Generally speaking, my meds seem to keep me feeling sort of flat. I can’t seem to get excited, laugh hysterically, be passionate or be super-psyched about anything. My days are mostly… neutral? That’s rather strange. I’ve always been someone prone to laughing fits and to being rather silly. And for the pièce de résistance? I’ve developed a tremor in my right hand, which is just wonderful.

All things considered though, I’ll take the tremor, insomnia and the neutral days over the hell that I was in. Plus, I don’t have to wash as many spoons these days because I can stir my coffee just by holding the cup.

Though I’ve spent a large amount of time going on about how shitty things have been, there has been sweetness, too. The most eyeopening has been the outpouring of love and support from everyone.

People who don’t need to care, do and have gone out of their way to say so. The cards, emails, check-in texts, messages – all of it has been overwhelming. I’m grateful and humbled.

I’ve been called a lunatic and a maniac many times over the last 6 months. I had it comin’, so I can’t be surprised. And though it really shouldn’t matter what people say, those names always cut me deeply. It’s hard enough to carry the burden of the war being waged within yourself but to know other people see you as defective is rough.

So, if me talking about what’s happened to me can be a benefit to someone else, then I’m happy to have shared parts of my story. Several people have opened themselves up to me about their own struggles with mental health. People I never would have imagined suffering. That just goes to show you that there is a culture of silence on the matter. There needs to be less stigma and more understanding.

And for my two-wheeled brothers? What an unexpected gift you’ve been. All those tacos, group chats, the talks, the gentleness, the support and propping me up without judgment and even putting up with my ugly cry face. I’d be lost without you.

What’s In Store for 2019?

As far as what I’ll be up to in the new year, I really don’t know. I’m not gonna pressure myself to be or do anything. Instead, I’m going to try to keep myself open to trying some new things as opportunities arise.

My single resolution is to take care of my frickin’ eyebrows. What do you think? Shave them all off and start over? That’s always an… interesting look. Maybe I’ll just start having them tidied and waxed again. I’m setting the bar low. It’s only up from here, dear friends.

Love the people in your life. Nothing else matters.

xx,
R.

22 Replies to “Peace Out, 2018. I Won’t Miss You. Like, At All.”

  1. Your eyebrows are kewl just the way they are.

    People I know who use some antidepressants reckon that they do indeed knock the stuffing out of pretty much all emotions… OTOH, they were still around to be miffed about their lack of strong emotions, which I reckon is a big win.

    Cheers to a better 2019!!

  2. Waxed lol, or get one of those new eyebrow shavers, my sister has same problem, lol. Glad to read your doing better and know it’s hard to be happy when your mind is zig zaging and battling against you. Just be…and take it one day at a time. , ride as often as you can.

  3. Sorry to hear your year was that bad. I have been going through the same thing. I have been so flat that I only rode 3k this year. Normally can get in 7k to 10k. Just started a new med and have been a bit better but get the tremors here and there fingers hands arms. Pain in the ass but getting over the holidays some what happy is good. You need to take care of yourself, do what is best for you. BTW: The last photo is that the Tail of the Dragon? Looks like the wall. Happy Holidays.

  4. Thanks for the update. We care and want to keep our eye on you.

    I believe next year will be better for you. Improvements in many areas of your life. If you ever want company, holler. Best wishes and fond affection.

  5. Hey Rachael,

    When I was prescribed anti-depressants they use to make me burst out laughing randomly. Like sitting at traffic lights or in office meetings with high ranking officials. That did not work out well. haha. Never taken anything since.

    I have no plan but am optimistic about 2019. I’m living in a country where I know nobody and cannot speak the language and have little work prospects. But I have good health, am not encumbered by debt, have no desire to buy anything ever again and can ride a motorcycle.

  6. You could always go for the monobrow look …

    And what would you say if I told you my grand kids and wife like making mine look like the grinch 🙂

  7. Rachael, I have had a few days to catch up on reading and especially your blog. This latest post is great! I appreciate your willingness to share your journey with us, both the good times and struggles. Feeling good is a wonderful thing, but acknowledging it in the moment is tremendous. Keep riding, keep writing, and keep in touch. See you on the road soon, Jay

  8. Hi Rachael – Thank you as always for sharing – you. My own antidepressant med’ just sort of flat lines my emotions. I’m okay with that for now. They help me NOT try and live up to anyone’s expectations. If you start head banging, just sing the Beatles’ “Let it Be” – I do and it helps. Just become a better version of yourself in 2019 and only YOU can define better. Love on two-wheels from Mike in Florida.

  9. Merry Christmas Rachel and a very happy happy joy joy new year. And remember, it’s not the crap in the smell, it’s the smell in the crap. I don’t know what that means either.

  10. 2019 will be a better year for you. It couldn’t possibly be worse, right? Take your time and don’t ask too much from yourself. Maybe only get one eyebrow done and then see how you feel. Time is on your side. Happy New Year !

  11. I had just the opposite response to antidepressants. They kicked in so strongly that I swear that if I had received confirmation of an incoming nuclear strike, my response would have been, “Oh GREAT! I get to work on my TAN!!!

    Clearly, they had to cycle them down a bit…..

    And I hope THAT gets you smiling!!!

    Every new year I ride alone to clear my head and try to make sense of what’s happened. This year was definitely the most trying of my life, sinking me into emotional lows I did not think was possible as I dealt with my son’s illness. It’s been quite a crawl out of this hole. So let’s start a group of those of us who ride like the wind, but not quite fast enough to escape our demons. I think we’d have more members then we’d predict.

    Until then – here’s to working on my tan!

  12. Hair, eye glasses, smile and eye brows are a strong look. I wouldn’t tamper with it. Not one bit.

    Hope the coming days, weeks and months bring you some peace — of mind, body and spirit. Someone told me once that struggle was an essential aspect of being human. Without it we would become nothing. Appreciate nothing. Experience nothing. At the time I thought he was full of shit. As I’ve gotten older and struggled in more ways than I would have ever imagined, I realize the truth of it. Struggle pushes me to better places. Eventually. As you say though, it often just sucks a big bag of dicks.

    Best wishes to you, your family and the ones you love for the new year!

    Sneezing and hacking in central PA,

    steve

  13. Agreed Steve. I used to think that “hardships make you tough” was bullshit. I was wrong. Somehow I’ve pushed through more than I ever thought would come my way. My problem is patience. At age 63, I want everything to be nice and smooth – now.

    Hang in there Rachael. It’s not important what you love or who you love – but that you love.

    Happy New Year to All
    Mike

  14. Be careful with the eyebrows. As a young boy Gigi Dall’Igna awoke one day with the same question and look where he ended up! 😉

    Happy New Year!

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