For the last week or so, I’ve felt better than I have in months. It’s been fantastic! I wish I knew what to attribute it to. Maybe time, maybe the weather, maybe I’m just different.
And I’m not talking about feeling crappy like “hey, “I’ve had a cold,” it’s more along the lines of an underpinning of turbulence coursing through me. A general agitation and dissatisfaction with everything. As I walked along with my dog yesterday afternoon, it hit me out of the clear blue that I felt… lighter, somehow.
This doesn’t really have anything to do with anything. You may even wonder why I’m telling you. And the truth is, I don’t really know. 🙂 In “real life” I’m not an outgoing person in the sense that I’m not particularly social. I’m not a joiner. Generally speaking, I don’t want to go out for dinner, to the movies, or for a girls night out. The chances of me calling someone on the phone just to chat are minuscule. Those types of things often give me anxiety. I have a small circle of people who I will do things with but most of the time, the stuff I do is solo or with my family.
In person, chances are that I won’t tell you very much about my day, what I’m thinking or I may avoid talking to you altogether. Sometimes when I hear the sound of my voice or when I’m fumbling to put sentences together, what I’m saying almost throws me off. Kind of like – “did I just say that out loud? What am I talking about?” My awkwardness will often keep me in the position of being an observer versus a group participant.
BUT… it has to be said that any of these quirks are not the result of things that other people do. It isn’t that I don’t like the proverbial “you.” I’m just a weirdo.
More and more I’m convinced that the internet and texting were invented precisely for people like me. They are the perfect tools for me to be able to socialize on my own terms, without feeling quite so self-conscious. No doubt, the alluring independence of motorcycling is probably similar. I can be in the world, among people but as apart or together as I choose. I’m covered in a way that you are aware of my presence but you can’t “see” all of me.
I’ve come to understand that I’m highly sensitive and my feelings are easily hurt, though the people who hurt them will often have no idea that it’s happened. Perhaps my distance is self-preservation? If I don’t let people in, I can’t have my feelings hurt. But… then I can’t experience the beauty of their friendship either.
The truth is I find people incredibly fascinating, endearing and an endless source of inspiration. Not a day goes by where I am not moved by something shared by someone else. There are quite a few folks that I’d like to meet in person, to better understand the idea that I’ve developed in my mind of who they are. Some things you only come to “know” by seeing someone move through the world. But the one repeating impediment that nags me is the thought that they probably wouldn’t want to meet me. I don’t know why I’ve adopted the idea that only other people are interesting and I’m not. Maybe it’s the result of not really talking to other people all that much anymore 🙂
This post isn’t really going anywhere in particular. It started out with me just wanting to tell anyone who would listen that I’m feeling better. Maybe I’m just being “social.”
Look at me – I’m telling you about my day! 😉