Wide Open Space, Wide Open Mind

Wide Open Space, Wide Open Mind

You wouldn’t think that writing your own story could be difficult. After all, you live it, it’s right there in front of you. And yet finding the loose thread to pull at the end of the day is hard.

I’m reading a book about how put my life on paper. One thing I came away with so far that seems pretty straightforward is to just tell your truth. Pick just one fact and tell it, as is.

My one true fact for today is: that I am afraid to find out what it is that keeps me from thinking clearly when I want to. I’m not talking about day-to-day activities or driving my car or anything. It’s an issue that comes up when I want to plumb the depths of my feelings. What if it’s some self-preservation mode or some underlying feelings that my brain just wants to pretend don’t exist? Sometimes it gets to the point that I completely zone out. I’ll sit down in my favorite red chair with every intention of writing something down… and nothing. Nothing comes. No words, no typing, nada. It’s like I dissociate and just glaze over.

I never really talk about it because unfortunately it’s a part of my life that I managed to shut off and replace with the pursuit of making a living, but for a long time art occupied most of my waking hours. Specifically drawing and painting. I was a creative person and those mediums allowed me to speak when I couldn’t do it with words. Now, those talents are dead inside of me. There is sadness when I can’t make my hands move the way they used to. I killed my gift for money.

Even if it is something that I’m not exceptional at, I see writing my blog as a creative outlet. When I can’t get the words out I become afraid that this little creative ember will go out too. Then I’ll be left with nothing. Just another case of self-sabotage.

Wide open space, wide open mind. I want to recall the clarity I felt standing there looking out at the expanse, all the time. How can I do it?

8 Replies to “Wide Open Space, Wide Open Mind”

  1. I’ve taken creative refuge in my blog and convincing myself it’s now my creative life. But there’s a gnawing voice tied and trapped deep that knows that’s not true. And telling the story long enough I almost believe it where returning to a creative path seems impossible.

    I don’t really know for sure what happened. Recently listened to STING talk about a 10 year song writing drought after years and years of creative production. I keep wondering if there’s an answer there…

    http://www.npr.org/2014/10/03/351545257/how-do-you-get-over-writer-s-block

    And I read “Art and Fear” over again. And again.

    But maybe my remaining years will be spent on the Vespa…

    Or perhaps when I no longer care what my mind or hand creates I’ll actually be able to create again.

    Good luck on your search.

  2. You did not let your gift die….it is just sleeping. Your art is in your soul….sometimes it just needs to take a back seat for a while. You are gifted, talented and above all a great person with vision and understanding. Do not sell yourself short….you have given much of yourself in your writing. I look so forward to each and every word you write. Tomorrow is a new day.

  3. *sigh* Life is hard. We do what we can. A lot of subconscious forces affect us.

    Creativity is a muscle and can be strengthened with use. Blogging became an outlet for my writing ability which, much treasured by me, was laying dormant. Of course my blog isn’t the culmination of my writing aspiration but it’s a means to hone the blade while getting there. It seems to function that way for you, too.

    I sympathize. My only advice is don’t be too hard on yourself. Instead, point yourself in a direction you instinctively feel is fruitful and start walking. Your pace may pick up and soon you could be running toward bliss.

  4. “Even if it is something that I’m not exceptional at, I see writing my blog as a creative outlet. When I can’t get the words out I become afraid that this little creative ember will go out too. ”

    That is exactly how I feel! I fear that if I don’t express something on my blog, any creativeness that I wish I had will vanish forever. Sometimes, just writing anything helps, just as this post helped me. πŸ™‚

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