I feel sad saying it, but over the last 6+ months there have innumerable dark moments. Many times over, I’ve asked myself what the point of going on is if it is just to exist in a state of utter despair and torment. Knowing that everyone around me would be relieved to have this emotional tornado removed from their lives. Logic and pep talks have little success in helping alleviate those feelings because I can counter anything kind that anyone says by knowing that they are only being nice because they feel like they should, not because I really matter.
The agony of walking that tightrope of just wanting to pull the plug and still having a little voice inside that pushes you forward in spite of your penchant for self destruction is really indescribable to someone who (thankfully) has never been there. When you try to explain it, it makes no sense to them. Or, the feeble attempts you make to explain what’s happening to you just don’t encapsulate what it’s really like inside. Or, some people think you “look fine” so there really isn’t anything wrong, or that you’re faking it, or that “you have everything, what could you be sad about?” They simply cannot understand. That’s where I’ve been.
But I’m not there now.
Since the end of the summer, in addition to the pills I stuff in my face each morning and evening, the weekly therapy sessions, monthly trips to the psychiatrist who makes me feel like I’m being ushered through on a conveyor belt, I’ve had a secret support group. In fact, they don’t even know they’ve been doing it. And I gotta tell ya, I think their effortless form of therapy has helped me tremendously.
I’ve known a few of these fellas for years with varying degrees of familiarity. Towards the end of the summer I kind of shoehorned my way in to their friend group. No one asked me to stop coming around, so I haven’t. For the most part I don’t really talk to them about my problems and they don’t ask. Which is nice because I get to exist beyond my self pity and misery. They take care of me by just being and not helping.
It’s been fascinating to get to know each one of them beyond the superficial level. When you casually see someone around town, you have no idea how deep their still waters run. As you learn to trust each other another layer of the onion peels away exposing something unexpected.
It can be hard to make friends as an adult. These boys have been saving me and they have no idea. I’m forever grateful.