Following my meltdown on Sunday morning, I did the only thing I know to do when nothing makes sense. I ran away. I got on my bike and went for a ride. Like a shark, sometimes I need to keep moving so that I can keep breathing.
When I get behind the bars I am free. Now it’s time to peel back the layers and do the same when I’m not going 70mph.
The hurt that we inflict upon our own hearts is the most painful of all, I think. Mostly because you can’t reason with the person who decided to carry it around to begin with.
Sometimes I experience guilt based on some arbitrary measurement applied to what I’m “allowed” to feel about things. Well, that guy lost a limb so I have no right to feel sad about something that scarred me but didn’t physically maim me. This type of thinking is stupid. It doesn’t work. It only leaves a trail of breadcrumbs for the monster under the bed to find me later.
Truth and forgiveness. These are what I want to will in to my existence. When I have them I will be free.
Thank you to everyone who sent emails, messages, left comments and kind words. Knowing that you’re willing to care about me in spite of me means more than I can possibly express here. Understanding that you matter to someone who needs nothing from you is overwhelming.
“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”