This post has zero motorcycle content so if you’re here for that, close up the browser and move on.
If you’re in my day-to-day life don’t confront me about this because I am incapable of dealing with you. If I could I would be doing it already. It’s not because I don’t love you, it’s because of something else but I’m not sure what. Maybe it’s as simple as I don’t want you to feel hurt for me or I’m embarrassed.
Things are coming to a head. I’m just sick of being a liar about my feelings, I’m sick of myself and I’m sick of being afraid. Everyday I choose to not show my cards because someone might not like me. Maybe you think this isn’t the place to unload because you came here for pretty pictures and perfect moments but this is what I’ve got. If it makes you leave, you would never like me anyway. Fuck it.
I am a haunted person and I feel scared.
I feel like a maniac.
I wish someone could save me.
I’m afraid of being judged.
I’m afraid of being honest.
I’m afraid i will never feel good again.
i’m afraid of myself.
I’m afraid of hurting the people who love me.
I feel like I offer nothing in return.
I feel guilty.
I’m a liar.
I feel like punching people in the face when they say “just get over it.” You know what? Fuck you and your “just.” Sometimes there is no “just” doing anything. Things take work and time and I’m aware of that. And i hate that i haven’t done enough or that maybe I’ve done the wrong work.
I want to shut my mind off like a switch.
I want to be free.
I want to tell the truth.
I want to sleep peacefully.
I want to forgive myself for all the things I let happen that I didn’t really want to happen.
I want to go back to burying my feelings and pretending they don’t exist.
I want go skipping off down the road in a whirl of rainbows and butterflies.
I want to let someone hug the hurt out of me.
I want to release my demons.
I don’t want to be weak.
I don’t want to regret typing this out.
I don’t want to feel guilty.
I don’t want to be ashamed of crying.
I don’t want to immediately feel like I should retreat.
I don’t want to feel that things would be better if I wasn’t here.
I don’t want to cut everyone out of my life.
I don’t want to be scared to ask for help.
I don’t want to avoid confrontation.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be worth it.
I want to realize and embrace my potential.
I want to be proud of myself.
I want to be confident.
I don’t want to feel that when someone looks at me they see all the things that are wrong to the point that they see nothing right.
I want to follow my heart.
I want to understand my mind.
I want to be of use, of value, worthy of someone’s love.
I want to be seen.
I want to be understood.
I don’t want to be repulsive.
I don’t want to be a shell.
I just want to be okay.
I want to be more than okay.
I don’t want to be afraid of everything anymore.
I don’t want to be afraid.