I Am a Haunted Person

I Am a Haunted Person

This post has zero motorcycle content so if you’re here for that, close up the browser and move on.

If you’re in my day-to-day life don’t confront me about this because I am incapable of dealing with you. If I could I would be doing it already. It’s not because I don’t love you, it’s because of something else but I’m not sure what. Maybe it’s as simple as I don’t want you to feel hurt for me or I’m embarrassed.

Things are coming to a head. I’m just sick of being a liar about my feelings, I’m sick of myself and I’m sick of being afraid. Everyday I choose to not show my cards because someone might not like me. Maybe you think this isn’t the place to unload because you came here for pretty pictures and perfect moments but this is what I’ve got. If it makes you leave, you would never like me anyway. Fuck it.

I am a haunted person and I feel scared.
I feel like a maniac.
I wish someone could save me.
I’m afraid of being judged.
I’m afraid of being honest.
I’m afraid i will never feel good again.
i’m afraid of myself.
I’m afraid of hurting the people who love me.
I’m embarrassed.
I feel like I offer nothing in return.
I feel guilty.
I’m a liar.
I feel like punching people in the face when they say “just get over it.” You know what? Fuck you and your “just.” Sometimes there is no “just” doing anything. Things take work and time and I’m aware of that. And i hate that i haven’t done enough or that maybe I’ve done the wrong work.
I want to shut my mind off like a switch.
I want to be free.
I want to tell the truth.
I want to sleep peacefully.
I want to forgive myself for all the things I let happen that I didn’t really want to happen.
I want to go back to burying my feelings and pretending they don’t exist.
I want go skipping off down the road in a whirl of rainbows and butterflies.
I want to let someone hug the hurt out of me.
I want to release my demons.
I don’t want to be weak.
I don’t want to regret typing this out.
I don’t want to feel guilty.
I don’t want to be ashamed of crying.
I don’t want to immediately feel like I should retreat.
I don’t want to feel that things would be better if I wasn’t here.
I don’t want to cut everyone out of my life.
I don’t want to be scared to ask for help.
I don’t want to avoid confrontation.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be worth it.
I want to realize and embrace my potential.
I want to be proud of myself.
I want to be confident.
I don’t want to feel that when someone looks at me they see all the things that are wrong to the point that they see nothing right.
I want to follow my heart.
I want to understand my mind.
I want to be of use, of value, worthy of someone’s love.
I want to be seen.
I want to be understood.
I don’t want to be repulsive.
I don’t want to be a shell.
I just want to be okay.
I want to be more than okay.
I don’t want to be afraid of everything anymore.
I don’t want to be afraid.

11 Replies to “I Am a Haunted Person”

  1. I would hope that anyone who reads your posts regularly wouldn’t close their browser just because this is non-moto related. And if you can’t vent on your blog without judgment where can you vent?

    Vent and/or rant away. Whatever helps you deal with what you are going through. And no matter what it is you are dealing with right now, I hope you have love and laughter when you make it through.

  2. Rachael,
    You have bared your soul for the world to see, and it’s as painful or even more so to read as it was for you to type. Please know that everyone reading your words can empathize with some or all of them. Human beings are complex organisms and nobody can claim to fully understand “what makes us tick”.. There are no easy answers, and usually more questions than answers.

    Try to look for the positive in everyone and everything, especially in yourself, and your energy will be returned to you in ways you might not fully grasp, even as it’s happening. bob

  3. None of us sees ourselves clearly. None of us recognize how beautiful, wonderful and special we are. It’s the job of our friends to tell us that.

    Rachael, you are beautiful. You are wonderful. You are special.

  4. I hate those kinda feelings. I hope writing this made you feel better. It takes a strong person to bare their thoughts and feelings the way you do.
    You’re my hero Rachael.

  5. Forgive me, Fuzzy, if I’ve shared this before. If I have, it bears repeating:

    The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

    Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

  6. Life isn’t ‘..pretty pictures and perfect moments’. It’s a hard slog that a lot of us struggle through. As Bob said, we can empathise with you because we have a lot of the same thought processes. I hope you can find some peace in the chaos. Take care of yourself.

  7. Wow!! I kinda knew that being a Super Hero was tough.. But I really didn’t realize how tough. If you need to back off a notch or two we understand, don’t we guy’s!! But remember once you have reached (and you have) Super Hero status.. Well there’s no undoing it. You are what you are..

  8. I read a quote from Seal a while back. It really moved me.

    “I may not know what you’re going through
    but I know you’re not alone. Like the loneliest star
    you shine brightest in your darkest hour.”

    I hope you gain some comfort from knowing how many people you have touched. Thank you.

  9. I read your blog because you share your experience and your thoughts. Few people take the risk to speak out to themselves let alone to the myriad strangers that may see their words on a blog. This post reflects your ability to take risks. Despite your struggle you are an adventurer. And sharing is a gift — for me at least. Best wishes for the journey ahead.

  10. Hugs to you for having the courage to type that all out. I’ve been contemplating a similar post. Now I admire you even more, if that’s possible without getting all weird. 🙂

    Sometimes there is no understanding the mind or the body. Some people get hay fever, some are OCD, others may be allergic to gluten, perpetual insomniacs, narcoleptic, etc. Then there are those who have brains where the chemicals get all mixed up and out of whack every now and then, for any number of reasons, unleashing that horrible, ugly monster that wreaks havoc on your psyche. Even when you know you can be pre-disposed to such states of imbalance, that monster is cunning, sneaky, patient, and persistent. It’ll claw, poke, and prod at you ever-so-slowly in little increments. Until you’re overwhelmed, but won’t know what hit you, why, or how long it’ll keep hitting you.

    It’s not your fault. Keep fighting. I truly hope you find balance soon.

    Until then, remember that you are loved just the way you are. <3

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