It’s Not You, It’s Me. Seriously.

It’s Not You, It’s Me. Seriously.

For the last week or so, I’ve felt better than I have in months. It’s been fantastic! I wish I knew what to attribute it to. Maybe time, maybe the weather, maybe I’m just different.

And I’m not talking about feeling crappy like “hey, “I’ve had a cold,” it’s more along the lines of an underpinning of turbulence coursing through me. A general agitation and dissatisfaction with everything. As I walked along with my dog yesterday afternoon, it hit me out of the clear blue that I felt… lighter, somehow.

This doesn’t really have anything to do with anything. You may even wonder why I’m telling you. And the truth is, I don’t really know. πŸ™‚ In “real life” I’m not an outgoing person in the sense that I’m not particularly social. I’m not a joiner. Generally speaking, I don’t want to go out for dinner, to the movies, or for a girls night out. The chances of me calling someone on the phone just to chat are minuscule. Those types of things often give me anxiety. I have a small circle of people who I will do things with but most of the time, the stuff I do is solo or with my family.

In person, chances are that I won’t tell you very much about my day, what I’m thinking or I may avoid talking to you altogether. Sometimes when I hear the sound of my voice or when I’m fumbling to put sentences together, what I’m saying almost throws me off. Kind of like – “did I just say that out loud? What am I talking about?” My awkwardness will often keep me in the position of being an observer versus a group participant.

BUT… it has to be said that any of these quirks are not the result of things that other people do. It isn’t that I don’t like the proverbial “you.” I’m just a weirdo.

More and more I’m convinced that the internet and texting were invented precisely for people like me. They are the perfect tools for me to be able to socialize on my own terms, without feeling quite so self-conscious. No doubt, the alluring independence of motorcycling is probably similar. I can be in the world, among people but as apart or together as I choose. I’m covered in a way that you are aware of my presence but you can’t “see” all of me.

I’ve come to understand that I’m highly sensitive and my feelings are easily hurt, though the people who hurt them will often have no idea that it’s happened. Perhaps my distance is self-preservation? If I don’t let people in, I can’t have my feelings hurt. But… then I can’t experience the beauty of their friendship either.

The truth is I find people incredibly fascinating, endearing and an endless source of inspiration. Not a day goes by where I am not moved by something shared by someone else. There are quite a few folks that I’d like to meet in person, to better understand the idea that I’ve developed in my mind of who they are. Some things you only come to “know” by seeing someone move through the world. But the one repeating impediment that nags me is the thought that they probably wouldn’t want to meet me. I don’t know why I’ve adopted the idea that only other people are interesting and I’m not. Maybe it’s the result of not really talking to other people all that much anymore πŸ™‚

This post isn’t really going anywhere in particular. It started out with me just wanting to tell anyone who would listen that I’m feeling better. Maybe I’m just being “social.”

Look at me – I’m telling you about my day! πŸ˜‰

21 Replies to “It’s Not You, It’s Me. Seriously.”

  1. You are not alone in your thoughts, I can relate to a lot of what you just wrote. I feel way more comfortable hiding behind my keyboard than having to interact in the real world with real people. It reminds me of a joke I found that said ‘I love my computer, all my friends live there’ That describes me to a T LOL Biking is like that too, even when you ride with something, you can be alone with your thoughts, at least until you stop πŸ™‚

  2. I just like your more and more when I read these words. So many similarities. Never stop being you. That is what makes you so special!

  3. Good stuff in your post.

    Hard not to feel better looking at the winding gravel road under a blue sky and knowing the experience involves a motorcycle. A Triumph no less.

    Reading your post I’m struck by the fascinating dynamic that many find themselves in — coping with personal stuff, alienating and isolated, yet understanding the value of others in a life. The internet certainly opens the door to a wide range of ideas and viewpoints but at the end of the day it’s a pale substitute for face to face connections. I suppose the lesson, for me at least, is knowing where to invest or share myself. Online is easy. With real people I keep others at arm’s length mostly with only a few friends who know more.

    And that’s fine. After I got done reading your post I said to myself, “Yep, just need to accept who I am and move on from there.”

    When I’m concerns about how I’m seen I like to remind myself of the old adage: What other people think of me is none of my business.

    Keeps me focused on the ride…

    1. With real people I keep others at arm’s length mostly with only a few friends who know more.

      I think that’s probably a good summation of how I behave.

      So, this year I think i will be in the State College area several times. Maybe we meet for coffee some time? I’d like to meet one of my favorite thinkers. And maybe I can get Kathy off my back about meeting people. Two birds, one stone and all that πŸ˜†

  4. My theory has been proven yet again. What theory? That the Internet is paradoxically amazing and crippling. Sort of like a GPS vs. maps.

    “More and more I’m convinced that the internet and texting were invented precisely for people like me. They are the perfect tools for me to be able to socialize on my own terms, without feeling quite so self-conscious.”

    Back in the day, you know, before the Internet and texting, people like you would have eventually been driven out into the world by that basic human need to connect with someone, anyone. Forced to face your fears, doubt, self-consciousness, etc. It would have been hard, but you would have survived. And I’d be willing to bet you would have felt enriched, even if just in a minuscule way(s). The Internet and texting allow you to fulfill your need to connect. That’s a good thing. But what are the Internet and texting forcing you to miss? The happiness in a person’s eyes when they finally meet you face-to-face. The warmth of a real hug, however fleeting. The sound of someone else’s laughter. The subtle tone-of-voice cues that only the most gifted writers are able to convey through text. Knowing looks, shared laughter (or frowns) when you see something that touches others the same way it touches you.

    You’re too hard on yourself. Give people a chance.

    I’m glad you are feeling better, truly. I bet the weather (more sunlight!) has a lot to do with it, especially if you’re still not remembering your vitamin D. πŸ™‚

    You always tell people to get out and see the world, step out of their bubble, don’t let fear stand in the way. I challenge you to connect with a person or two (or ten!) this year. It will be fun. If not, at least it will be a small accomplishment. Even interacting with people we don’t really like or enjoy as much as we thought we would can be enlightening.

    Get out there, Fuzzy. I know you can do it.

    1. But what are the Internet and texting forcing you to miss?

      In my point of view – nothing. Looking back at my life pre-internet, I socialized in small groups. The groups have gotten smaller in some ways and larger in others. I think that is a result of better understanding what I want from myself and my relationships.

      I’m not a recluse or a psycho πŸ˜†
      The fact that there are people around wouldn’t keep me from doing something i wanted to. I just don’t generally enjoy socializing. If it gives me agita, I have to determine whether or not the benefits would outweigh the anxiety. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem with it. Sometimes it does.

      And… I do meet other riders or bloggers and connect with people. YOU know that πŸ™‚

      1. I know you do. I’m very glad you do. I just think it wouldn’t hurt to open yourself up to doing it a bit more. You’re a lovely person with a lot to offer the world. I think more moto-bloggers would be thrilled to meet you in person. You’ve touched a lot of people through your words. I believe you underestimate the joy you’ve brought to many people’s lives. I really, really enjoyed meeting you in person. I know others would as well. I’ll stop nagging. Just know, please, that I do it with the best intentions. You’re a ray of sunshine in a sometimes dull and dreary world.

  5. “More and more I’m convinced that the internet and texting were invented precisely for people like me. They are the perfect tools for me to be able to socialize on my own terms…”

    You pretty much nailed it. And confirmed that, no, it’s not just you.

    Nicely done, sis.

  6. Since I can’t get you to come on the show…. why don’t you join us on our 2nd Annual Motorcycle Men High Point Group Ride on May 14th. Leaving out of Cranford NJ for a 250 mile jaunt up to High Point and other places, lunch in Port Jervis and a stop at the Frank Frazetta Museum in PA.

    By the way, you are interesting and you have a lot of great experiences, that’s why I want you to come on the show. You are interesting.

    Peace and all that

      1. On the 14th of May the 2nd Annual Motorcycle Men High Point Ride will stop for lunch either at the Cedar Rapids Bar and Grill in Barryville up route 97 or at Arlene and Tom’s Diner on route 6 in PJ. We’re still in the route planning stages but that will be locked up by the end of the month.

        Hope you can join us.

  7. I’m glad you’re feeling better. I concur with Kathy and urge you to take a chance with some real-life encounters. They don’t have to be frequent or lengthy, just dip your toe in the pool. I’m an introvert also but find personal contact with friends to be deeply enriching.

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