The Most Dangerous Lie: I Can’t

The Most Dangerous Lie: I Can’t

When you’re thinking about traveling somewhere or visiting something do you mentally resort to leaving some things in the realm of fantasy? Almost as if to say to yourself, “Well, I could never do that…”?

fuzzygalore at the st louis arch

There have been many things in my life that I’ve relegated to something that only other people can do. Not me. Though I have suspicions based on my childhood, I’m not exactly sure why at this point in my adulthood I’m still lugging that baggage around. It’s so self-defeating.

Even when I move something into the fantasy column, there is still some little flicker of light that burns for the idea. Almost like I don’t really believe myself when I say “I can’t.” How the hell did that become a stock answer, anyway? Screw I can’t. It’s a dangerous lie. I won’t? Well, that’s a whole different game.

I have already demonstrated to myself 1,000 times over that I can do anything I truly desire. It may not happen immediately. Sometimes it takes hard work, money, strength of will, it takes belief and support from others but above all else it seems like those problems are all solved by desire. When it burns hot, it will lead me down the path of working past the obstacles I’ve created and will turn a wish in to reality.

Sometimes I go through periods of time where my brain short circuits and I can barely muster the will to make it through a day without imploding. Today is not one of those days. Today I feel like I can lace up my boots, kick down the front door and say, “Good morning, motherfuckers. Let’s kick some ass, shall we?”

Today? Today I believe I can.

Where will it take me?

 


 

Thank you for sticking with me, holding my hand and giving me virtual hugs. Long-time readers see patterns or read between lines. Some of you worry, but please don’t. Even when I sound down know that I have a support system at home that helps to keep me going. It’s been a hard year for my brain but I’m on the upswing. Some of you see more than you say or see more than I say. Know that I appreciate you.

Thank you <3

 

5 Replies to “The Most Dangerous Lie: I Can’t”

  1. Life is hard. Glad to see you muster strength and kick it in the balls.

    We’re all deeply affected by our childhood lessons and carry them around in the back of our psyche for most of our lives. Usually they’re unexamined and continue to torture us. If we have the luck to see them consciously, we can overrule them and realize they’re impediments to joy.

    After my struggles in childhood, I concluded in my teens that the life I wanted — the life I really wanted — was unattainable. And continuing to yearn for it was only prolonging my pain. So I gave up hope for it. Five years ago, I started re-examining that proposition and, to increasing degrees, am finding it faulty. My hope for the life is returning. Fear of being disappointed again holds me back but I’m trying to consciously override it.

    So, yeah, I hear ya, sister.

  2. As I follow along on your travels and adventures, “I can’t” doesn’t seem consistent with what I see. I certainly understand your point though — the mind can be insidious in derailing dreams into impossible, improbably, selfish, stupid desires until we find ourselves beneath the wheel churning our lives into money to pay for groceries and other essentials….

    Anyways, I always consider you way off the bell curve to the direction of focused over achiever who will do whatever it takes to go down that next road.

    Good luck and good riding!

    1. thanks, Steve-
      The way we see ourselves is… complicated as I’m sure you know.

      What we actively choose to share paints our personality in the light of our own choosing. That’s understandable. But sometimes even my husband Kenny will say he doesn’t see me as feeling/being a certain way and he’s basing his opinion of daily observation. I guess the truth is no one can ever truly know the depths and demons of another’s mind.

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