Some Days it’s a Pancake, Others It’s a Butt Plug

Out there on the road of life it isn’t unusual to spot things that have fallen off of the backs of trucks or were carelessly tossed out of car windows.

Often these scattered remnants along the roadside make sense. You see them and your brain can fire off a logical backstory about why they ended up there. For example, if you see a dresser in the weeds along the roadside you’ll think – oh, maybe someone was moving and that fell off the back of their truck. That’s a story your mind can handle, it makes sense and we all know that shit happens.

But sometimes? Sometimes there are no clues. Remember that time I saw all those pancakes? They still haunt me. The detritus doesn’t seem to fit neatly into a category of everyday use that can easily explain away it’s discarded presence.

While riding my bicycle home on a local well-traveled street that has no houses on it I picked up on something in the grass along the sidewalk in my peripheral vision. In a split second there was some recognition of what I was seeing that occurred deep in my grey matter. It was on a completely subconscious level at first. A few milliseconds passed while the neurons that power up my cognitive thought machine began to transmit. (My brain seems to work like a lava lamp. Sometimes it takes a while for the thought globules to loosen up and float through the goo.) Stopped in my tracks, I looked over to spy a giant butt plug nestled among the leaves and grass.

Immediately I was awash in feelings of giggly hysteria, girlish embarrassment, disbelief and then as I pedaled away… wonder. Initially my thoughts floated towards “Oh, my GOD! That thing is gigantic!” Granted I’m not some kind of renowned butt plug expert that can assess whether or not it was indeed gigantic, I was strictly going on semi-frightened instinct. But appraising the size of the massive, misshapen ace of spades?  Well that was just simple mechanics. For a complex thinker like myself(!) that was far from the most interesting part of the story. No, the big questions were “Why” and “How.” Why was there a butt plug sunning itself on a busy suburban street? How did it get there?

Unable to simply accept what I saw without some type of how or why my mind began to formulate what could be the only logical explanation. Someone tossed it out the window of a car.

A cigarette of gravity defying ash dangles perilously from a pair of stubble-faced lips. Behind the wheel of a late 80’s sedan a man with stringy hair and thick glasses drives along.

Skimming his land yacht too close to the curb the man absentmindedly cruises along at 3 under the speed limit. Poor suspension give the car a gentle bounce as he lumbers along. With no eyes on the road and one hand on the wheel – the man rifles though fast food wrappers, newspapers and stuffed animals in front seat of his car. He brushes his stringy hair behind his ear again and again as it falls in his way.

As he rummages around through his front seat garbage, the driver makes room in the only way he knows how – by tossing unneeded items out the passenger window. The stringy haired man leaves an assortment of garbage in his wake; a coffee cup, a real estate magazine… a giant butt plug.

Seems plausible, right? Your theories are welcomed.

File Under: Random Shit!